“Once the path was cleared for Caesar’s brave shamble, Trump made his way across the street to the boarded-up church, where he, with visible confusion and discomfort, groped a Bible. [imitating Trump] ‘I’ve only seen one of these — when I was sworn in. Let’s see if I can remember — I hold The Bible, then you raise your right hand. Is that it? Am I extra sworn in? Am I president double-stuffed?” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“You can tell he’s a man of faith from the way he holds The Bible like he’s selling it on QVC.” — SETH MEYERS
“It’s The Bible, not an auction paddle. Looks like a camp counselor going through lost and found at the end of the summer. [as Trump] Is this anybody’s book? No pictures in it, so it’s certainly not mine.’” — SETH MEYERS
“[as Trump] I don’t have a Bible. My Bible, as always, is Hustler magazine. This thing is the most boring magazine I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t even have a centerfold, which is too bad because I heard Bathsheba had a pretty sweet can.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
W. Kamau Bell told Jimmy Fallon on “The Tonight Show” how his first blatant experience with racial profiling at age 10 has followed him through his adult life.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
On Wednesday, the “Watchmen” star Regina King will virtually pop by “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”
Also, Check This Out
The “Tiger King” saga continued this week when an Oklahoma judge awarded the 16-acre animal zoo of Joseph Maldonado-Passage, also known as Joe Exotic, to his nemesis, Carole Baskin.